A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Okay me first
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.