[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Nomnomnomnom
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.