animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.