@LittleMissAngr1

Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.

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@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@JasonLastname

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@rachelle_mandik

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

@Terry_maximo

[funeral]
*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*folds notes*
*sits back down*

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@mrtruthandsoul

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.