Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen


Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.


[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now


Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?


do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?


*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*folds notes*
*sits back down*


The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.


The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.