“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?