Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…