[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Do furries go to doctors or vets?