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@nappydolemite

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@KeetPotato

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

@TheMichaelRock

December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.

@JohnMayer

gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000

@House_Feminist

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

@dreadnaught69

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop