I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My house isn’t messy.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I need better friends