Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.