@d_duhwit

Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*

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@MartaEffing

Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

@WilliamAder

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

@tarashoe

i love nature ūüôā sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

@kelkulus

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

@abrosenthal

“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@jackmackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.