Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol


Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?


neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert


accusations harmful


How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.


When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.


How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.


Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE


How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.


You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.