@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

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@Gorilla_Turd

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@Douchekevin

Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.

Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.

I’m bleeding. Call 911

@missmayn

Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.

@VerbsRProudest

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@AndyJokedAgain

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!