@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

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@underrateDad

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.

@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

@vinnycrack

the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

@SlipperySecret

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

@gossipgriII

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@subtweetopath

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

@mrjohndarby

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.