Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.
Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.
I’m bleeding. Call 911
Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!