ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.