ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The human personality is made of five key elements
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.