@myonlymizztake

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

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@tchrquotes

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

@PhriendlyCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

@stonedcoldlazy

Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics

@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.

@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.