If Shakira’s hips were in charge, none of this would have happened.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?
SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-make you cry
-tell a lie
He’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave
*gets email that sports practices start next week*
Me: not like that