Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
You can’t rush stupid.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.