Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)