ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses