*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
*holds a grudge
Grudge: Get off me.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10
“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.