Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

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I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market


When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you


To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy


*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*


my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits


I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.


Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.


[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*