@alvaxbeta

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

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@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

@HatfieldAnne

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

@yoyoha

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

@robin_991

If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

@noogscorner

Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.