Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.