If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me. Every weekend.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke