@nachdermas

elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate

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@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

@slimmy_shady

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@robdelaney

Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.

@JhonRules

Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?

@KalvinMacleod

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke