Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

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On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


What I said:

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.


We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.


Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.


3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.


feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that


Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.