Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You Might Also Like
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I’d hang this in my house.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.