@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

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@TheTobbie

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@ThisOneSayz

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

@beefman138

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

@ClichedOut

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

@natvanlis

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.