elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

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I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.


Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”


My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.


[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.


How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.



Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.


Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher


My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.


Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer