@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

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@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@slimmy_shady

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@VerbsRProudest

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

@notbedelia

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer