Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this