@Fred_Delicious

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

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@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater

@2free2stylr

I’ll always treasure my high school yearbook as a handy list of people to never see again

@slytherinstef

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

@Social_Mime

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

@markleggett

Bing is a fast search engine because you’re the only person using it.