there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Meow
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Terribly Tuesday.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Science memes
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed