Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.