@jujubangzz_

Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭

You Might Also Like

@NintenDom

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@BadMikeyBad

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@TuSoonShakur

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

@coryrichardson_

[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast