Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭

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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.


[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity


Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise


Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.


my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life


WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm


[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast