@jujubangzz_
@NintenDom
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
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@NintenDom
@thedailymarker
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
@vonTraphaus
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
@BadMikeyBad
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
@Kimgee8
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
@mrjohndarby
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
@KrunkedRobot
15 out of 12 beers agree I can’t do math when I’m drunk.
@TuSoonShakur
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
@coryrichardson_
[catching up with an old friend]
me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast