If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym