Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Growing up was a huge mistake
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool