Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
brian had himself a morning…
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it