Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
next question.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?