On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.