Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.


I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.


My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends


Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example


There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug


4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.