“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.