Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.


dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.


Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?


George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.


Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.


*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.


3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*



Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.


HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.