@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

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@Girl15Gone

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

@the0dyss3y

dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?

@RaisingOneBrow

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

@Crutnacker

Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.

@Dawn_M_

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.

@Shock_Monster

HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.