*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
😩😩😩
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.