I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….
The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.