Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I think my mom just blocked me
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars