I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him