Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

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I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.


I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁


Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit


Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?


What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?


(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?


Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling


Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.


mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him