@JohnLyonTweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

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@UrbanDouchebag

I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@TheBoydP

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

@Gupton68

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

@Illiter8

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

@JohnHilsen

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

@TweetPotato314

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him