Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.