[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
You Might Also Like
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: so… have you..eaten dinner before?
Me: Green please
God: All gone
Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone
Me: Whatever, just make them big
Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella