[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
just gave your address to some spiders
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.