My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
That’s amazing.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.