Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.