Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.


*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?


[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen


Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line


White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit


I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one


Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.