Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
it be like that
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.