@PaulGibson1963

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

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@better_off_dad

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

@better_off_dad

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@ojedge

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

@IndecisiveJones

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.