Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Good morning!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late