Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.