@Chhapiness

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

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@torahhorse

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

@VodkaThursday

I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.

@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@AnkCoupleTO

Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first

@MomofTeen

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.