Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing


Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]


[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month


I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.


My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.


50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.


Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.