[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*