e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018