@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

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@Phook75

My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

@Xoolun

I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.

@murrman5

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@mynameisntdave

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

@AlexvanBeek

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

@JonMHamm

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

@behindyourback

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”