emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks