emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

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My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went


I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.


*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*


orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang


*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*


People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs


Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.


Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.


“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”