If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.
He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.