@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

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@AngryRaccoon2

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

@AtticusFinch79

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.

@Whatevah_Amy

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.