My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses