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@neiltyson

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

@Ristolable

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.

@wumother

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

@TheReevesIsland

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.