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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.


Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING


[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs


[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet


When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.


I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.


I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.


For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved


The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.