[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Breaking news:
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?