It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
You guys I found a great deal on pumpkins and bus drivers
I can tell so much about a person just by guessing.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR