@chuuew

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

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@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@desi_princess

No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.

@JohnLyonTweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@justabloodygame

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@P1ssed_K1d

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR