[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

You Might Also Like


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…


No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.


My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.


*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate


My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though


Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR