My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it