[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”

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Yes, I have read ‘Game Of Thrones’.
No, It is not any different from the show.

-Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.


[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*


One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”


Me: I’m going shopping.

Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.

Me: Deal!


please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,


Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”


All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada