If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
You Might Also Like
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS