@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”

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@RandomManik

Yes, I have read ‘Game Of Thrones’.
No, It is not any different from the show.

-Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

@Fickle_Filly

Me: I’m going shopping.

Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.

Me: Deal!

@dril

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada